What could possibly go wrong? M Night Shyamalan teams up with the guys who did Paranormal Activity to do a movie about two kids who visit their grandparents…….who are very……….eccentric? Sounds freaking rad, no?
Ahhhhh…..no
What’s it called? I’ll give you one guess.
Very good! It’s a noun with the word “the” in front of it!! The Visit. And it looks reeeeeeaaaally shitty. Surprise!
Combine Mr. “What a tweest” with fucking hand cam bullshit, two obnoxious kids, two crazy ass old people doing fucked up stuff, secrets, and a “trapped victim” thrill ride, and you have a movie that will not only bore you, and make you face palm, but make you vomit at the same time! Kind of like a Blair Witch on slowmo, if all the characters were on blood pressure meds.
Seriously…wtf? Why are people still letting this asshole make movies? The Happening should never have happened. It was an abominable mind fuckfest. He effectively masturbated over death for two hours with some namby pamby sciencey backstory and we were supposed to enjoy it? Why because he cast the moveable Marky Mark? That guy makes me suicidal already. All that film did was make me feel as though I’d been raped and then asked if I enjoyed it. Then he makes one of the best animated franchises in American history into a shitty B movie with a terrible script, action that looks like it was a practice run, mispronounced the main character’s name, and oh yeah, managed to start a racially motivated boycott against their casting discrimination. And then…oh wait yeah this peach: Devil, about a group of people who get trapped in an elevator with…you guessed it! The Devil! Oh and who can forget the best of the best: After Earth, a film that, just in case you weren’t positive that Will Smith’s kid was the most annoying shit on planet earth, sought to prove it to you. What a golden selection. I can see why they want him to stick around. I mean it’s not like he made a couple good flicks like a billion years ago, for which he’d been spending years preparing himself, only to shit out a few monstrosities. Nope, solid gold with this guy.
My god….do you realize, he directly ripped off the classic “War of the Worlds” and shat on that too? And people praised him for it? They lauded him for tweaking it so that hydrophobia were the Aline invaders’ weakness…never mind that they came to steal resources from a planet that is called “Blue” because it’s mostly water! No no…he’s a fucking genius.
I wish he’d fall into a well. The Paranormal Activity dudes could drop in a camera and make one of those “found film” extravaganzas about his untimely death.
Nope…I’m not bitter.
The Brain Squirrel Monologues 